Twenty-One Signs of A Controlling Person and What You Can Do About It
- Isabella Boston
- Oct 13
- 9 min read
Have you ever had someone make you feel small or insignificant? When you try to speak, are you silenced? Do you sometimes question your own sense of reality? Do you feel as if you are walking on eggshells? If so, you may be dealing with a controlling person.
A controlling person is someone who attempts to maintain authority, control, and decision-making power over another individual or situation. Their behavior can include anything from directly telling the person what they can or cannot do to more subtle methods like gaslighting and guilt-tripping. The wants and needs of the victim are usually completely unheard, dismissed, and even disrespected.
Controlling people can be in all areas of your life. They are your friends, family, co-workers, romantic partner, strangers, and even your boss. They are masterminds in manipulation, and you may not even realize you are being controlled until you are no longer sure who you are anymore.
Why Do People Have Controlling Behavior?
I spoke with Dr. Cynthia Post, a licensed psychologist from Silver Spring, Maryland, on the topic, and here is what she said: “This is a situation where the person feels out of control. The recipient of the controlling behavior actually ends up experiencing what that individual must have gone through themselves. So, you get to experience what it must have been like for them…they [the controlling person] end up becoming identified with that behavior. That is one way people respond to being controlled: they identify with that behavior. They’re probably not even recognizing that they are behaving this way, or they may know they are doing it.”
When asked if controlling people usually project this behavior to those closest to them, this is what Dr. Post had to say, “These things tend to happen with people in intimate relationships…we put on our best selves for our acquaintances. Our close people are the ones who get to see all of us, the ones we trust enough to show those things to.”
Controlling people are usually insecure about themselves and have a fear of the unknown. They do not trust themselves enough to face any challenge or endure any unknown situation. To regain a sense of security and safety, they exercise their will to control in any way they can.
Here are twenty-one Signs of a Controlling Person
They Criticize You All The Time
Controlling people will undermine the things you do and exaggerate your “flaws”. They will take little jabs at you in public or in front of other people. They will oftentimes use sarcasm and make it seem like they were "just kidding", then accuse you of being too sensitive when you object to their inappropriate behavior.
They Make You Believe Everything is Your Fault
You become the blame for everything, even when they are in the wrong. They will make themselves the victim and make you responsible for things beyond your control. You might hear, “You should have done it like this,” or “I would have done it this way,” during a conversation.
They Gaslight You
They will convince you that your sense of reality is false by planting little seeds of uncertainty in your mind. This is a master manipulative tactic used to gain control. The constant self-doubt and self-questioning will slowly cause you to question your reality.
The term “gaslighting” originated from a 1944 film called Gaslight, in which a husband systematically brainwashed his wife to the point she believed she was literally going insane.
Gaslighting is strategically done so that the victim does not realize it is happening to them. The abuser continues to repeatedly disprove any concerns you might have to the point you don’t even recognize the reality of what is happening. They will continue to deny the way “you” remember things, even when evidence is presented to them. When feeling cornered, they will somehow flip the tables on you and accuse you of starting an argument.
They Intimidate You
A controlling person will act superior and try to undermine your reputation by devaluing you. They will interrupt you during a meeting or in the middle of a conversation to voice their own opinion. If you try to speak up, they will condescendingly overtalk you or may say, “Stop interrupting me. Can I talk?” but will never allow you the same respect in return.
A boss may also talk down to you in front of your co-workers and make subtle or inappropriate jokes. They might also hover over you and micromanage you, even going as far as to tell you when you can use the bathroom.
They Are Moody
A controlling person has drastic mood swings. One minute, they are spoiling you with gifts, dinner, and praise, and the next, they are acting like a bully. You start to feel anxiety and dread whenever you are around them. You walk on eggshells and catch yourself always apologizing, even for the smallest of things.
They Refuse to Take Blame
We all, at times, may find it difficult to apologize when we are in the wrong. But a controlling person is “never” in the wrong and is incapable of admitting fault or giving a sincere apology. Even when the evidence is stacked high against them, they will still blame you for the situation.
I was once in a situation where my partner refused to get the brakes fixed on the vehicle he loaned me to drive back and forth to work. When I had an accident, not only did he not show any love or concern for me, but he also blamed me. He had no remorse and took no accountability for the situation. Everything was my fault. In fact, he became angry at me when I told him the mechanic had informed him prior to the accident that the brakes needed to be fixed. All glory to God in Christ Jesus that I was not hurt.
They Lie
Controlling people uses deception so they can control your reality. They will distort the truth or flat-out lie about their behavior, so you will second-guess everything. They will start a fight on purpose and accuse you of causing it, so you will think twice before bringing up any concerns to them again. Before long, you begin to question your memory and become uncertain of the simplest things.
They Stonewall You
A controlling person will shut down a conversation and close themselves off by putting up a “wall”. Instead of facing the issue, they will be completely unresponsive and unavailable to you. They will dismiss you, ignore your text messages, and refuse your phone calls by pretending to be busy. When you try to address the problem, they will further ignore you.
By doing this, you become “invisible” and are never heard. Sometimes the abuser will stonewall you for days on end as a way of punishment so that you will not repeat the “offense” again. This line of abuse will leave you feeling “boxed in” and completely helpless.
They Take Charge of the Finances
If you are married or in a relationship with a controlling person, they might insist on handling all the money. They may suggest that they are better at it than you or accuse you of overspending. By controlling all access to the money, they have better control over you.
They Don’t Take ‘No’ for an Answer
A controlling person will ignore and overstep your boundaries, and the "rules" never apply to them. They will do this to get a reaction, assert dominance, or because they believe their needs are more important than yours. They feel a sense of entitlement that they have the right to control you and that you should conform to their expectations.
They Will Try to Change You
Controlling people will try to shape you to fit their own needs by pressuring you to make changes to your appearance, dress, or even the way you act. They may criticize your weight, even if you are healthy and fit. You start to feel like a “yo-yo” as you constantly go back and forth trying to please them.
They Isolate You
A controlling person will demand your attention all the time and will isolate you from your family and friends as a method of their control. They want you all to themselves. Sometimes their demand for attention is not voiced but expressed through eye glares or rigid body language.
They Cause You to Lose Your Sense of Self
As the abuser methodically continues to gaslight you over a long period of time, you begin to lose your self-confidence and start to become a different person, a shadow of your former self. Your whole sense of being and reality becomes that of the abuser.
Words Versus Actions
A controlling person will continuously talk about their concern for you, but their actions will not reflect their words.
Love and Flattery
A controlling person will constantly confuse you. They will tear you down, build you back up with gifts and praise, only to tear you right back down again. This manipulative tactic is used to maintain control and influence over their victim. It keeps the victim emotionally attached. As the abusive cycle continues, the abuser's power increases over you.
Projecting
A controlling person will project their actions onto their victim. For example, if the abuser is a cheater and a liar, they will accuse you of being the same. You will constantly feel the need to defend yourself for things you have not done.
Withholds Affection
Some abusers might withhold affection from you as a form of punishment. They might also leave you alone for long periods of time. This is the most toxic form of emotional abuse.
This type of abuse can make you feel ignored or isolated. It is excruciating because you cannot force the person to change or stop this abusive behavior. You are left feeling hopeless, alone, and empty.
They Will Accuse You of Being Crazy
The abuser already knows his victim is searching for clarity and questioning their sanity. They will use this to their advantage and call you “crazy,” knowing you will believe it. They will also tell other people you are crazy, so when you seek out their help, they will not believe you.
They Keep a Record
They keep a record of things they perceive you did wrong so they can make it seem like you are the problem, and not them. This takes away your self-worth and self-esteem, which is what the abuser wants so they can gain more control.
In my own experience, whenever I had asked an innocent question for simple clarity or had tried to hold him accountable for something he had done, he would start an argument. He later told me that he "kept a record" on his calendar every time that "I had started an argument" with him.
They Don't Share in Your Good News & Will Make Everything About Them
If you have good news to share, such as receiving a promotion or losing weight, a controlling person will change the subject and make the conversation all about themselves.
When I had my car accident, I tried to tell him that I could have been killed, because I was on a bridge at the time it happened. His response was, "Did you forget that I had a car accident too? And mine was worse than yours."
They Make Threats to Harm Themselves
In extreme cases, a controlling person will go so far as to make threats to harm themselves if you try to leave them. I have personally experienced this myself. They will threaten suicide or will even physically cause harm to themselves in front of you. The whole point of this is to make you feel guilty or responsible for their wrong behavior. Please know this is a scare tactic and a way to control you. You are never responsible for someone wanting to take their own life. That decision belongs to them. In this situation, it is important to seek professional help as soon as possible for the individual in question.
How to Deal With a Controlling Person
How do you deal with a controlling person? Dr Post explains, “Make it clear (to the person) that this type of behavior is not welcome, and sometimes this may require some kind of mental health intervention. Explain that their behavior makes you uncomfortable and that when it happens, you need some type of agreement that they are willing and able to stop this behavior, such as, ‘I need your commitment to working with me on this. If I am telling you that this makes me uncomfortable, I need to know you are committed to working with me.’ You need them to know you need them to care, and they need to respond.”
Dr. Post further explained that if the person is not willing to change their behavior, then your best option is to leave the relationship.
Where to Get Help
Manipulation and controlling behavior are toxic, and oftentimes dangerous, and never lead to a healthy, open, and honest relationship. This is not love.
If you feel you are in a controlling relationship that is mentally, emotionally, or physically unsafe, trust your gut and leave the situation. Below are some places you can contact for help.
Helping Survivors. They empower survivors of sexual assault, abuse, and harassment to understand their rights and provide the resources they need.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. They are available 24 hours a day and can be reached by phone at 800-799-7233.
Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. They prevent suicide and provide free and confidential support 24/7.
Pathways to Safety International provides legal advocacy and professional counseling.
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.
Author’s Bio
Isabella Boston is a wordsmith and writer based in Silver Spring, Maryland.
She is well-versed in medical terminology and scientific research with a focus on the areas of neuroscience, immunology, and functional health. She is also a diarist, creative nonfiction writer, and self-published author.
Aside from being a writer, Isabella is a book lover, a language enthusiast, and, most importantly, a woman of God in Christ Jesus.
"Together we can share your stories, promote your cause, and connect you to your target audience one word at a time."
