How to Handle Spiritually Immature & Toxic People According to the Holy Bible
- Isabella Boston
- 3 days ago
- 17 min read
Updated: a few seconds ago
Learning How to Deal With Spiritually Immature & Toxic People
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. - Ephesians 6:12
Table of Contents
Traits of A Spiritually Immature & Toxic Person
The Four Cycles of Toxic Abuse
Chart: Cycles of Abuse and the Emotions You May Experience
Bible Verses About Abusers
Bible Verses on How to Handle Abusive & Toxic People
Summing it all up & closing statements
Dealing with immature & toxic people can be challenging. These people are extremely abusive, and they come from all walks of life. They can be your friends, family, co-workers, and even your spouse. They are lawyers, doctors, pastors, psychiatrists, teachers, and policemen.
They can be covert (hidden) or overt (not hidden). In my personal opinion, the covert abusers are the worst.
But did you know that the Holy Bible, which is the Word of God, instructs us in wisdom on how to deal with toxic and abusive people?
Before we discuss the Lord's wisdom and advice, let's first discuss a list of traits of a spiritually immature & toxic person.
Traits of A Spiritually Immature & Toxic Person
Controlling. They thrive on control. Your happiness and freedom feel like a threat to them.
Manipulative (They can twist facts so well that you start doubting yourself. They will also manipulate your emotions.)
Abusive & Intimidating (Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually, & Sometimes Physically)
Selfish, Self-Serving & Self-Centered. Everything is about them.
They have a sick desire for admiration and validation. They want to be worshipped, and they get a "high" from any attention you give to them.
They are boastful and prideful.
They use, abuse, and then discard people without warning, walking away as if they never mattered. You might start to feel like a "doormat".
They will "mirror" you because they lack authenticity. If you love nature, they love nature too!
They love the chase, not the person. Once they "have" you, they devalue you. You become an old "trophy" collecting dust on "their" shelf.
They can appear 'perfect' to outsiders, making you look like the problem.
They cannot take constructive criticism and have fragile egos deeply rooted in fear & shame due to childhood trauma. But don't feel sorry for them (they will try to guilt-trip you), because they are fully aware of their evil behavior. They know what they are doing.
They have a fear of abandonment.
They love chaos and conflict. Peace feels boring to them, and drama fuels their sense of importance and control.
They resent what they rely on. If you are the one constantly giving, they grow to resent needing you, because dependence feels like weakness to them.
Deceitful (They mix lies with truth. Lying is their native tongue, John 8:44-45.)
Pretenders & actors (They wear many masks and are natural chameleons: charming in public but cruel behind closed doors. Some people have spent years with these abusive people before the "mask" slips, and they see them for who they really are.
When you first meet them, something about them will seem "off." But most people will ignore this red flag, because the person appears so charming and makes them feel special.
Lacks Empathy (They genuinely don't feel your pain, even when they have caused it.)
Unremorseful. They are never sorry for hurting others. Never. And if they do "apologize", it is never sincere.
They can be male or female.
Avoids Accountability. Everything is always someone else's fault.
They do not believe in the power of God or in His Son, Jesus Christ, but will pretend they do.
They leave you in a state of confusion & walking on "eggshells".
They insult you but mask it as a joke.
Lack Self-Control (They are compulsive & cunning. They will cheat on you with everyone and anybody, no matter the sex, age, race, ethnicity, or size of the person; they will even sleep with the elderly, severely handicapped, and children. Some might have sex with animals. They might claim to dislike a certain group of people or body type, but behind your back, they are having sexual relations with these said people. They oftentimes live double, triple, and quadruple lives. They will even sleep with your close friends, family members, co-workers, landlords, and your own offspring.
They "future fake" (make future promises with no intention of honoring them)
They triangulate: comparing you to others. (This is a control tactic where they entangle you with a third person to lower your self-esteem, smear your name, further abuse you, and ruin your reputation.)
They will "Love-bomb" you early in the relationship, only to later discard or devalue you. Love-bombing is elaborate gifts, trips, and romantic gestures. This is another control tactic used to destroy your self-esteem. These abusers are strategic and systematic in their evil schemes and tactics.
They isolate you from your friends and family so they can gain and maintain control.
They criticize everything you do. You never feel "good enough".
They "gaslight" you. This is a control technique where they deny the truth, even if the proof is right in front of them, and make you question your memory and your reality of things. This can make a victim feel like they are losing their minds or that they are going crazy.
If you try to hold them accountable for their actions, they will flip the conversation and make it about you. They will also "stonewall" you for days, weeks, or even months as a punishment. An example of this is ignoring your emails, text messages, phone calls, and refusing to speak to you.
They are usually obsessed with wealth and have a grandiose personality.
They believe they are always right, even when proven wrong.
They love to do things in "secrecy" and hide things in plain sight.
They love to see you suffer. (They will even intentionally give you a sexually transmitted disease so that nobody else will want you.)
They violate your personal boundaries. They do this to see how far they can get away with abusing you. It is a test.
Some of them might sleepwalk or even "daywalk" (this is a demonic spirit dwelling inside their vessel and controlling them. And, it didn't just happen by chance; they allowed it to happen by giving "it" permission.
They will turn people away from you and talk behind your back to make you out to be the villain, and to get sympathy from others
They weaponize information to use against you.
They belittle others to feel bigger.
They have a "get even" mentality.
They never ask you about your problems, and they do not care about your feelings.
They have a mean and sadistic side.
They punish you for their insecurities and will project their evil ways and flaws onto you. For example, if they are cheating, they will accuse you of cheating. They might even accuse you of having an evil spirit in you! If you listen to what they say, they will tell on themselves without realizing it.
When angry or threatened, they will oftentimes exhibit completely black eyes.
They repeat cycles - love bombing, devaluing, discarding, and hoovering, over and over again. If you stay with them, you will likely remain stuck in this cycle for years. You cannot have a real & healthy relationship with them that is based on love, trust, respect, and honesty. You cannot fix these people, because they don't want to be fixed. They don't see anything wrong with their behavior. In their sick minds, you are the problem, not them.
Now, I want to be clear that each of us can display some of these traits, at one time or another. The difference is that a spiritually immature & toxic person will pretty much have ALL of these traits without ever changing. They all play by the same "playbook". We are not dealing with human beings (flesh and blood). This is spiritual warfare, and these people are demonic.
They also lack complete empathy without remorse. They cannot self-reflect on their abusive behavior, and they do NOT want to change. They have an unrepentant heart of stone. Their main goal and purpose is to control you in an attempt to seek, steal, and destroy your spirit. They want to lead you astray from the Lord our God in Christ Jesus.
After a while of dealing with these people, especially if they are close to you, you start to lose a sense of who you once were: your self-esteem is lowered, and you lose your sense of self-worth. One day, you look in the mirror and realize that you are now a shadow of your former self. Some of you might not even be aware that you are being abused, because they are good at what they do, and they isolate you from people who can help you.
And, if you are a believer of God in Christ Jesus, reading this, and are worried that you might be one of these evil beings, stop worrying, because you're not. The simple fact that you are worried about it is confirmation that you are not. I used to worry about that too, until God had me read the Book of 1 John. These toxic and wicked people never worry about whether they are abusive or evil. They can't self-reflect. Secondly, the Word of God tells us that when we become believers, God puts His Holy Spirit in us, and the evil one cannot touch us (1 John 5:18), meaning that a true believer cannot be possessed by a demonic or evil spirit. Darkness cannot live where there is light, and God is LIGHT. There is no darkness in Him (1 John 1:5-7).
When we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, we are born of God, and His Holy Spirit (seed), which He puts in us, does not allow us to continue to sin (1 John 3:9-10, 1 John 3:24).
The Four Cycles of Toxic Abuse
Idealize: In the beginning, they see you as perfect and put you on a pedestal, making you feel "special". They will wine and dine you, spend lots of money on you, and show you off to everyone they know (keep in mind that they will later smear your name to these same people). They will also call you their "soulmate" and tell you they "love" you very early in the relationship. They "future-fake". They might talk of marriage, buying you a house, and having children with you. If it's a parent or another person, they might praise you and reward you with gifts and lots of attention. (This is all part of their evil scheme and cycle of abuse.)
Devalue: They now realize that you are not perfect, because, let's face it, no one is perfect but Jesus Christ Himself. This is when they start to see your "flaws" and begin to criticize you. Suddenly, nothing you do is right or good enough for them. In their twisted minds, you "betrayed" them, and you are not who they thought you were. Their "mask" starts to slip, and you begin to see "the man behind the curtain". Nevertheless, you jump through hoops as you try to please them and get back what you thought you once had with them.
Discard: This is where they lose interest in you. and go looking for someone else. You are no longer useful to them. They either abruptly cut contact or slowly fade away, usually without an explanation, leaving you devastated, without closure, and completely confused and feeling alone. This is the phase where they feed you "bread crumbs" to keep you hooked to them. Bread crumbing is exactly as it sounds -giving you the bare minimum while making the smallest possible effort to keep you around. This leaves them free to focus all their energy and attention on the newest source of supply. For example, after a long silence from them, you might receive one text message asking about your day, or a little joke, but as soon as you get happy and eagerly respond, you get silence. This is all to keep you confused and hooked on them. And, please understand that they always have someone else lined up and waiting. They probably already had someone when you first met them; they just never told you. They are like drug addicts, and they keep a long list of "supply". You are not their first victim, and, sadly, you probably will not be their last.
Hoover: Just as you start rebuilding your life and moving on, they reappear. They discarded you with no explanation, and now they are back as if nothing ever happened. This might take days, weeks, months, or, in some cases, years later. Like a Hoover vacuum cleaner, they are back to suck you up! This is the phase where they return to see if they still have any control over you. If so, the cycle starts again. Why else did they return? Either they are bored with the new "supply" of admiration in their life, or the person caught on to their schemes and dumped them. Either way, you're a fun "toy" to mess with, so they are back! You will also start to see a "glimpse" of the person you were once connected to. Again, it's all part of their wicked plan to keep you "trauma-bonded" to them and to destroy your spirit, leaving you damaged and scarred. I should also warn you that every time you take them back, the abuse gets worse. They might appear to have changed, but when a snake sheds its skin, it only becomes a bigger snake!
Chart: Cycles of Abuse and the Emotions You May Experience
Bible Verses About Abusers
They prey upon the naive: "...Keep away from them. For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery, they deceive the minds of naive people." -Romans 16:18.
They find pleasure in harming others: "Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evildoers. Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn from it and go on your way. For they cannot rest until they do evil; they are robbed of sleep till they make someone stumble. They eat the bread of wickedness and drink the wine of violence." - Proverbs 4:14-17.
They are too conceited to recognize or hate their own sin: "In their own eyes, they flatter themselves too much to detect or hate their own sin. The words of their mouths are wicked and deceitful; they fail to act wisely or do good. Even on their beds they plot evil; they commit themselves to a sinful course and do not reject what is wrong." - Psalm 36:2-4.
They do not fear God: "I have a message from God in my heart concerning the sinfulness of the wicked: There is no fear of God before their eyes." - Psalm 36:1.
They disguise their true character and hatred with charm: "Though their speech is charming, do not believe them, for seven abominations fill their hearts. Their malice may be concealed by deception, but their wickedness will be exposed in the assembly. - Proverbs 26:25-26.
They manipulate you with flattery: "Those who flatter their neighbors are spreading nets for their feet." - Proverbs 29:5.
Their words cut like knives. They use them to tear people apart: "...those whose teeth are swords and whose jaws are set with knives to devour the poor from the earth and the needy from among mankind." - Proverbs 30:14.
They attack your character when confronted. They abuse you: "Whoever corrects a mocker invites insults; whoever rebukes the wicked incurs abuse." - Proverbs 9:7.
Oftentimes, they do not change: "Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death. They not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them." - Romans 1:32.
They will actually get worse: "...while evildoers and impostors will go from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived." - 2 Timothy 3:12-13.
They have depraved minds and are filled with every kind of wickedness: "Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed, and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant, and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy." - Romans 1:28-31.
Jesus spoke about such people. He said, "...They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them."
So, what can we do?
 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. people will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God - having a form of godliness buy denying its power - have nothing to do with such people." - 2 Timothy 3:1-5.
Well, I think the word of God says it all. We are to have NOTHING to do with people who are abusive and who do not love the Lord our God in Christ Jesus.
But what if they are our spouses in marriage or close family members, such as a parent or an adult child? Perhaps you work with one, or have a boss who is one?
Let's see what the Word of God says:
Bible Verses on How to Handle Abusive & Toxic People
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God, and He will come near to you." - James 4:7-8.
Do not try to fix them. You are not their Holy Spirit. Your job is to reflect truth, not force change. Maturity is their responsibility. The Word of God tells us: "Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you." -Proverbs 9:8Â
Don't stay entangled with them or desire their company. Scripture tells us: "Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character."
Respond, don't react. You must control your emotions. They will use it against you. The fruit of the Spirit includes self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).
Don't take the bait. When they try to argue with you or get some kind of reaction from you, remember to stay calm, kind, and grounded. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." - Proverbs 15:1. In addition, "Don't have anything to do with stupid and foolish arguments, because you know that they produce quarrels, and the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful, opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will." - 2 Timothy 2:23-26. This does not mean that we are to be a "doormat" for people, but that we are not to engage ourselves with, or be a part of, their wicked and ungodly behavior. Remember, they want to control you and cause you to sin against God. Don't let them, and don't become what they are.
Set clear boundaries: Even Jesus walked away when people were toxic or unrepentant. Love does not mean unlimited access. Boundaries are biblical and necessary. Setting healthy boundaries is not about controlling them; it is about protecting your peace. "Turn from evil and do good, seek peace and pursue it." - Psalm 34:14. Also, "Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord." - Hebrews 12:14.
You must create distance. The Bible says to have nothing to do with people who continually hurt you (2 Timothy 3:1-5). Staying with an abusive person is not a strength; it's a sacrifice without purpose. Even if married, you can find ways to create distance. The word of God also tells us to seek refuge: "The prudent (wise) see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty." - Proverbs 22:3. If you are married, you must pray to God for direction, strength, and guidance, because He will protect you if you put your faith and full trust in Him: "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1. You can love a toxic parent, relative, or adult child from a distance.
Don't trust their "kindness". "Enemies disguise themselves with their lips, but in their hearts they harbor deceit. Though their speech is charming, do not believe them, for seven abominations fill their hearts." - Proverbs 26:24-25.
Respond with silence: Your silence is your strength! Suffer and cry out to the Lord in SILENCE; "...in quietness and trust is your STRENGTH." - Isaiah 30:15.
Forgive them. Forgiveness is how you move forward. "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32.
Pray more than you preach & do not curse them. "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you..." - Matthew 5:44. And, "Bless those who persecute you, bless and do not curse." -Romans 12:14. Remember, God knows what they need more than you do.
Speak truth in love: We grow and become more Christlike when we speak truth in love: "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of Him who is the head, that is, Christ." - Ephesians 4:15.
And, lastly, guard your heart. "Above all, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." - Proverbs 4:23. They will use your love and kindness against you, so be careful and guard your heart! Don't allow someone else to poison your peace and cause you to stumble.
Dealing with emotionally immature and toxic people is not easy. It is important to focus on healing, practice self-love, and stay busy using your hands (1 Thessalonians 4:11-12),
Remember, God sent us here with a purpose, and we are not dealing with flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:12), but with evil entities sent to distract and destroy us. This is spiritual warfare, and we are on the battlefield for our Lord! So we must put on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:13-16) and pray to Him for His protection and guidance. God is faithful, and He will do it because He loves us: "Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." - Lamentations 3:22-23.
Summing it all up & closing statements
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love. - 1 Corinthians 16:13-14.
Keep communication short and simple when dealing with a toxic and emotionally immature person. Avoid over-explaining and don't expect to have deep conversations with them. This will oftentimes trigger their fragile egos and offend them.
Set clear boundaries. Just because someone has a child-like maturity doesn't mean you should lower your standards, so be clear and firm about which behavior you will and will not accept. Remember, you teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce. Never accept less than you deserve.
Manage your expectations. Don't take it personally. It's their limitations, not yours. These people were traumatized and abused at a young age. Don't feel sorry for them, but have compassion and pray for them. Learn to love the person trapped within and pray that God will deliver them.
Focus on healing & staying busy. You must take care of yourself and keep busy. Jesus taught that self-love is not only necessary but mandatory. It is a prerequisite to loving others and also one of the greatest commandments: "Love your neighbor as yourself...." - Matthew 22:37-40. As you can see, before we can properly love someone else, we must learn to love and see ourselves in the way God and Jesus Christ love and see us.
Trust in God and pray to Him about everything in Christ Jesus: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6.
I want to leave you all with my testimony: I know that we have an Almighty and Powerful God. I know that He loves us and that He sent His one and only Son, Jesus Christ, here to suffer and die for us so that we all may be forgiven for our sins. I know that God's Holy Spirit dwells inside all of us who accept and believe in Jesus Christ. I know that one day Jesus Christ will come again to judge both the living and the dead. And I know that salvation is for everyone. If you have not accepted Jesus Christ into your life, I ask you to do so right now. Please pray to God and repent of your sins. Accept Christ into your heart and life, be saved from eternal damnation, and join God and His Son, Jesus Christ, in their Heavenly Kingdom forever.
I say this with all the love in my heart and in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
For God so loved the world that He gave His one and Only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. - John 3:16
Author’s Bio
Isabella Boston is a wordsmith and the creator of Bella’s Attic Studio: A multi-media writing platform and storytelling blog specializing in copywriting, marketing, and content writing.
She is well-versed in medical terminology and scientific research with a focus on the areas of neuroscience, immunology, and functional health. She is also a diarist, creative nonfiction writer, and self-published author.
Aside from being a writer, Isabella is a book lover, a language enthusiast, and, most importantly, a woman of God in Christ Jesus.
"Together we can share your stories, promote your cause, and connect you to your target audience one word at a time."