Funeral Etiquette: How to dress and what to say at a funeral

How to Have Proper Funeral Etiquette

Updated on February 25, 2026, by Isabella Boston

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“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” ~ Matthew 5:4.

Attending a funeral can not only be difficult but also uncomfortable. Many of us feel awkward and unsure of how to behave, what to say, or how to help our loved ones in their time of need.

Even well-meaning words can sometimes offend a person when they are in deep mourning. With a few basic funeral etiquette tips, you can attend your next funeral with more confidence, grace, and ease.

Proper Funeral Etiquette When Attending a Service

Funerals are usually open events, and anyone can attend. However, you should consider how well you knew the deceased before attending. If you did not know the departed personally but want to show your love and support to the family, then you should consider yourself welcome.

If you feel your presence will cause conflict or emotional pain to another person, then you should reconsider attending the services. Likewise, if the funeral is a private event, and you were not invited, then you should not go. You can opt for flowers or a heartfelt card instead.

"Should I Bring Children?"

Another thing to consider is who should attend the services with you. In most cases, it is permissible to bring along another adult or an older child. Children can attend if they can properly behave and sit still during the services. However, if possible, it is probably a good idea to leave infants and babies at home with a caregiver, as they are most likely to be a distraction to others and will require much of your attention during the services.

If you cannot obtain daycare for your younger children, then please be mindful during the service and know when to step outside with your child when appropriate.

"What should I wear?"

In much of the Western world, black is worn to funerals as a sign of respect and mourning. However, you can also wear dark grey, brown, or blue. Some things to consider when deciding what to wear are the time of year, the season, and the location and time of the services. Unless requested by the family of the deceased, avoid bright colors such as red, pink, and yellow; however, you can wear a shirt or blouse in a lighter color, such as cream or white, with a suit or blazer. Keep accessories to a minimum.

Attire for men:

• Dark suits

• Collared dress shirts

• Vests

• Ties

• Blazers

• Dress pants or slacks

• Dress shoes/ loafers
  

Things to avoid

• Ballcaps

• T shirts

• Jeans

• Sweatsuits

• Work clothes with logos

For Women

Women should wear a modest dress or skirt that falls right at or below the knees. Your blouse should not reveal your cleavage, shoulders, or too much skin. Nails should be clipped, clean, and well-groomed, and makeup should be minimal. It is also best to avoid wearing heavy perfume, hairspray, and too much jewelry. Less is best.

Attire for women:

• Modest dark dresses or pantsuits

• Dress blouses

• Modest skirts

• Blazers

• High heels or dressy flats

• Elegant cardigans

• Elegant purse

• Dress gloves (optional)

• Sheer stockings

• Modest jewelry, such as a strand of pearls and stud earrings

Additional items, as the weather and season permit:

• Dark umbrella

• Scarf

• Gloves to match your coat.

• Sunglasses for when at the burial site

• Dress hat

What not to wear:

• Flip flops and open-toe shoes

• Jeans

• T-shirts

• Loud prints

• Sweatpants

• Work clothes with logos

• Low-cut blouses

• Too much perfume or cologne

• Too much jewelry

• Bright red (It’s considered offensive)

"What Should Children Wear?"

Although it is not necessary to dress your children in all black, they should wear their “Sunday best” in an appropriate color for a funeral. Girls should wear a modest dress or a modest skirt and top, hosiery or dress socks, and dress shoes (no open toes). Boys should wear suits, dress shirts, ties, and dress pants or slacks. They should also wear dress shoes; Tennis shoes are never permissible. When in doubt, leave it out.

Memorial Services, burials, and viewings (wakes)

“If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.” ~ Romans 14:8.

Some funeral services, such as a memorial service, viewing, or burial, after the deceased has been cremated, allow for less formal, more casual attire. Make sure to check with the event planner when deciding what to wear.

Celebration of life or ash scattering

Celebration of life services are usually more festive and are meant to celebrate life. The event may also have a color theme to honor the deceased. Therefore, bright-colored clothing may be more appropriate.

Ash-scattering usually takes place outdoors. This is a ceremony where the deceased was cremated, and the ashes of the loved one are scattered, so outdoor attire is more suitable.

In certain cultures, this ceremony symbolizes peace and closure for the dearly departed, releasing their spirit to return to nature or heaven.

In most cases, wearing formal or semi-formal attire is always a safe option. Again, always check with the event planner or family when preparing for the day.

What to say at a funeral

It is always better to say less than more at a funeral. The family in mourning is usually feeling overwhelmed with grief. Simply letting your friends and loved ones know that you are there if needed is usually enough; just be sincere and speak from your heart.

If you are not an immediate family member, kindly state your name and how you knew the deceased after you approach them.

Comforting words to say at a funeral

• “I am sorry for your loss.”

• “If you want to talk, I am here for you.”

• "Take all the time you need to grieve."

• “Please let me know how I can help.”

• “I am thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.”

• “I don't have the right words, but I want you to know I care.”

• "You are in my thoughts and prayers."

• "They were such a wonderful person, and I will miss them dearly."

• You can also follow their lead: If they want to talk, listen. If they are overwhelmed, give them a gentle hug or a handshake, and a quiet: "I'm thinking of you" is sufficient.

• Be present: Sometimes just being there is enough.

In addition, it's a good idea to be specific in how you can help someone grieving. For example, instead of just saying, "Let me know how I can help," you might offer to bring over meals or run errands, without putting the burden on the griever to ask for assistance.

If words do not come easily to you, you can buy a heartfelt sympathy card before the funeral services and hand it to the grieving family. In addition, if you can afford it, you could include a check or a small amount of cash inside, which is also a thoughtful idea. Just be sure that if you put cash inside, you give it directly to the grieving widow, mother, or surviving family member of the recently departed.

Even with the best intentions, some things may unintentionally cause others more pain and suffering; they might invalidate the griever's feelings or need to mourn. Certain words can be taken as insensitive or impose pressure to mask pain. Below are some examples of what not to say at a funeral:

• “I know how you feel.”

• “Be brave and stay strong.”

• “They are in a better place.”

• "It was their time."

• “Everything happens for a reason.”

• “Well, at least they had a long life.”

• “They would want you to be happy.”

Attending a funeral service of any kind is never easy, but knowing proper funeral etiquette can help us to better show our love, support, and respect to those in need.

For more tips and advice, please listen to etiquette expert Diane Gottsman below:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bjs-ZZK5w3s

References & Author's Bio

[i] Offering condolences: What to say at a funeral. Funeral Partners. (2022, January 30). Retrieved February 16, 2023, from https://www.funeralpartners.co.uk/help-advice/arranging-a-funeral/offering-condolences-what-to-say-at-a-funeral/ [ii] Fortino, D. (2022, April 15). What to wear to a funeral. Eirene. Retrieved February 16, 2023, from https://eirene.ca/blog/what-to-wear-to-a-funeral [iii] Fortino, D. (2021, October 12). How to plan A celebration of life. Eirene. Retrieved February 16, 2023, from https://eirene.ca/blog/celebration-of-life

[iv] Clawson, J. (2023, March 8). Why “sorry for your loss” is not enough: The importance of empathy in grief. The Hope Kit. https://hopekit.com/blogs/grieflibrary/why-sorry-for-your-loss-is-not-enough-the-importance-of-empathy-in-grief

Author’s Bio

Isabella Boston is a wordsmith and the creator of Bella’s Attic Studio®: A multi-media writing platform and storytelling blog specializing in copywriting, marketing, and content writing.

She is well-versed in medical terminology and scientific research with a focus on neuroscience, immunology, and functional health. She is also a diarist, creative nonfiction writer, and self-published author.

Aside from being a writer, Isabella is a book & vintage-fashion lover, a language enthusiast, and, most importantly, a woman of God in Christ Jesus.

"Together we can share your stories, promote your cause, and connect you to your target audience one word at a time."